However, that would make me a totally different person. I can't imagine being that perfect person who never makes a wrong choice or wrong decision. My choices in life lead me to who I am now, a more considerate, loving, forgiving person.
(I hope).
If I'd never made all the mistakes I've made, would I be more judging of others mistakes. 'How could they get into a mess like that'...well I know how they could, been there got the T.shirt as the saying goes.
I feel that the very fact 'I am very sorry' for many of my choices, that I would go back and change things I've done, shows that inherently I'm a good person, it was good for me. I've learned some good lessons along the way. This has got to be good...right?
If I didn't care life would certainly be easier.
I've messed up so much over the years... I often wondered 'will I ever learn' I hope I have learned. Just because we get burned doesn't mean we have to do the same. Yes, payback is great at the time but afterwards it just leaves you with a sour taste in your mouth.
Losing people I love with all my heart.. if only I'd done things differently. Maybe things would be different.
I wish I'd been a better mother, I wish I'd been a better daughter, sister.
I wish I'd been stronger, tougher, wish I'd learned how to say 'No', wish I'd learned to love myself.
I just wish I'd been a better person a better role model. I wish I hadn't allowed myself to be manipulated, used, abused.
I wish, I wish, I wish...........
I can't do anything about the past.
'Now'... is where I have to live, the past is gone, the future not yet here.
Skeletons in my closet
We all carry that load, feel tainted or scared,
The self loathing we hide, feeling nobody cared.
Past deeds we committed, we didn’t say ‘no’.
We allowed in abusers, so it’s our fault you know
Couldn’t heal a loved one… couldn’t take their place
We look in the mirror, guilt written on our face
If we could rewind time, we wouldn’t drink that night
If only we could… we’d go back and put things right.
The burdens you bare may have made you stronger.
You carry weight on your back… but not for much longer
So many things happen in our lives
to daughters, sons, husbands and wives
Whichever role you play in life’s game
You’ll carry baggage, your ‘baggage of shame’
Shame, blame… ‘all hurt’ gagged and bound
It all weighs so heavy, as you carry it round
The guilt of a child, through no fault of their own
Beaten or raped, those…‘guilt seeds’ are sown
The wife who was battered or mentally scarred
The father, whose child, died out in the yard.
The skeletons in your closet, tap with bony fingers
Creeping out, they make quite sure that memory lingers
You try so hard to keep those doors shut tight,
Memories locked away and buried out of sight
Tapping on your shoulder, ‘remember’ me it screeches
As it crawls inside your head, feeding like a million leeches
These skeletons know… when to have their fun,
When you’re vulnerable and scared, with nowhere to run.
They’re always there, waiting for their prey
If you let down your guard, they’ll jump in today
No…no more, I’ve heard you pleading
But the more you beg, the more they’re feeding
Those closet doors, should be thrown open wide
Shine a light on those skeletons hiding inside
Tell them you hear them, then tell them goodbye
Clear them all out and have a good cry
Cleansing tears, for the grief and the sorrow
Let it all out it’s a new day tomorrow
Throw away all that baggage of guilt, fear and shame
Forgive the mistakes, move on, let go of the blame.
© Ollie Jezierski
Tomorrow is another day; let it be the day you…
forgive yourself, love yourself, honour yourself.
Let go…let it all go….
“This being human is a guest house. Every morning is a new arrival. A joy, a depression, a meanness, some momentary awareness comes as an unexpected visitor...Welcome and entertain them all. Treat each guest honorably. The dark thought, the shame, the malice, meet them at the door laughing, and invite them in. Be grateful for whoever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.”
― Rumi
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